Favre or Fiction

2 posts tonight, to make up for the general laziness of the last couple weeks. Enjoy!

In my wildest dreams, here's what we find out in the coming months, in 2 minutes or less:

July 14: (from the Associated Press) Vikings' coach Brad Childress reports today that Brett Favre is still undecided about returning to the NFL, and that there is still no deadline for Favre's return. It is widely assumed that Favre will rejoin the team after training camp is over.

August 15: (from the Associated Press) Now that training camp has ended, Brett Favre has yet to return to the Vikings. Sources close to the team indicate that he will likely rejoin the Vikings sometime next week.

August 17: (from the Minneapolis Star Tribune) Our Savior has returned! Not since the Jesus' early followers awoke that first Easter morning to the empty tomb, has a group been as excited to be reunited with their leader as the Vikings are to have Brett Favre back. The Vikings took pains this offseason to avoid taking a quarterback to please Favre. Minnesota passed on quarterbacks round after round in the draft (although they did draft one who will be converted to receiver), and chose to remain with Sage Rosenfels and Tarvaris Jackson. This, they hoped, would indicate to Favre that the Vikings had no intention of pushing him out the door. All that was left was to hope and pray that Favre would return. And it looks like that strategy has paid off.

September 3: (from the Minneapolis Star Tribune) In a shocking move, it appears that Brett Favre has elected to re-retire. This is a surprise for everyone, but most particularly for Vikings' coach Brad Childress. "Since last winter, Brett and I had the understanding that this whole "retirement" thing was a ruse to allow him to skip training camp. I'm just beside myself." The other Vikings players felt much the same. "Total shock. Total and complete shock," was Jared Allen's only comment to the media. Favre released a statement ealier in the day, alerting EPSN, CBS, and several other major news outlets before informing his employer, the Vikings. He then read aloud the statement in a public press conference. "I believe that I have already given everything I have to give. I am now going to spend more time with my family, and more time golfing. I can't thank the NFL, the organizations I've played for, and my teammates and opponents enough for my many years of football. I will miss the game, but my retirement will be my complete severance from the game. Thank you." Favre did not take questions from reporters after delivering this prepared statement.

November 1: (from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel) In the biggest show of loyalty perhaps in the history of professional team sports, Brett Favre announced in an interview last night with Bob Costas his intentions in playing for the Vikings. Here are some excerpted quotations from Favre:
"Well, sure. Ted [Thompson, Packers' GM] and I had an understanding. I was going to move on, help my statistics, and that was that."
"I know it seems sketchy, but the Packers were my team. And while I was in Green Bay, I learned to hate the Vikings. I actually agreed with the Packers before they let me go that I would never help either the Vikings or the Bears to win a Super Bowl, so I made sure of that last year. Remember that 'fumbled handoff' to Adrian Peterson? I hit it against his arm on purpose. And don't think that interception at the end of the NFC Championship Game was an accident."
"I figured the ultimate blow would be letting Minnesota think I was playing and string them along for as long as possible. Now, I couldn't retire mid-season-- that seemed too mean after all I've put them through, not that it didn't cross my mind. But right after the preseason seemed like it would sting the most."
A rush of crime in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area last night is blamed on Favre's confession.